the race to move on first

Who wins in a break up?

Is it the person who actually, verbally ends the relationship? Is it the person who packs up the other’s stuff and gives it back, first? Is it the first person to go out and get obliterated – looking like they are having a great time post-breakup to all their mutual friends?

If you answered yes to any of these, you would call me the winner. You would think I overcame the breakup and moved on first, right?

Or is the winner the person who gets into a relationship first?

My first “real” boyfriend (four-year relationship) was very good to me. We started dating when we were in college and grew through our first few years of adulthood together. But when I was ready to take the next step and move in together, he wasn’t ready yet. At first, everything was okay and we kept rolling with the punches, but it got to the point where we were just simply no longer on the same page and I did not feel we were both giving the relationship the same amount of effort, so I broke up with him.

Fast forward two years later, and today I found out he is in a new relationship – does this mean he won?!

I am honestly having very mixed emotions about it and this post is very raw for me. I SWEAR I WAS OVER HIM! I know that it’s not Tuesday or Saturday as I planned for 2018, but I figured there must be someone else out there that has dealt with this or is going to be going through it someday that might relate to this post so I couldn’t wait for Saturday to post it.

Realistically, I was expecting him to date someone again, eventually. I was just expecting that I would get into a new relationship first.

Being someone who somewhat enjoys being single, rushing into a new relationship was the last thing on my mind when we initially ended the relationship. I viewed this time as the time that I should be focusing on myself and getting my life together. Pre-relationship I was in my first year of college so post-breakup I needed to figure out where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do without having to consider anyone else in the mix.

I also have had zeeerrrroooo luck finding anyone worth my time to date. I like to blame the majority of the reason why I’m single on this factor, hoping that it’s not me and it really is them. But, if we’re being completely honest, it took me about a year to really feel ready to want to be in a relationship again. So even if I had met someone during that time, it wouldn’t have been something I would’ve wanted to pursue.

See: Falling for your back-up plan to read about who I felt like I was going to end up with once I was ready!

Accepting what he is willing to give because you think it_s better than nothing at all is doing yourself an injustice.-2

When a relationship ends, it feels like you’re in a race to be the first one to move on. I guess I just assumed that I would be able to find someone first and therefore when the day came that I found out he was in a relationship, there would be no stinging feeling along with it.

But if I had found someone worth my time and ended up in a relationship first, would that really mean I won?

I don’t think anyone wins in a break up.

Honestly, I don’t think it matters who gets over who first or who gets into a relationship first – both people lost something. While we both likely learned something new from being in the relationship – whether about ourselves or about how relationships work – we both ended up without each other and are now faced with having to start over with someone new.

 

I’d love to hear what you think about who wins in a break up. Let me know in the comments!

With love from my city to yours,
xoSteph

One thought on “the race to move on first

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