falling for your back-up plan

I started out 2018 with a lot of positivity. Too much positivity, maybe, when I promised that I would post two times a week and then spent Tuesday afternoon through Saturday afternoon struggling to find both motivation or inspiration. I’ve been thinking all day today “am I really not going to post the FIRST Saturday of the year after I just said I would post every Saturday?”

So I finally filled up my coffee mug and decided to scroll through the Internet looking for some inspiration. I stumbled across this post that really struck me as so relevant because really, how many of us females (even if it’s not right or unfair) keep a good guy friend or ex-boyfriend in our lives so we have someone to tell us how beautiful we are and how much potential we have in our times of need.

I said it is a wrong thing to do, okay. But we can’t help it! Plus, let’s face it, most of you guys aren’t telling us how great we are everyday anyway, so someone’s gotta do it for us.

For me, this was my best friend. I mean like BEST friend. He knew everything about me and still thought the sun shined out of my ass. No, I did not keep him around because he thought I was fantastic, but whenever I wasn’t feeling so great about myself you can bet I would reach out to him and he would turn that around very quickly by flooding my inbox with compliments. I never saw us being together and he knew that from the start so I never thought I was being unfair because I wasn’t leading him on – he knew where I stood, I promise.

But one day something changed. My backup became the guy I actually wanted to date. It was like I had this crazy epiphany one day and all of a sudden the stars were aligning and I could see my whole future with him. I mean really what a freaking mess. It makes me laugh out loud just writing about it because I know how crazy this whole situation sounds.

Unfortunately the stars were definitely not aligning and as we all know timing is the #1 bitch so it did not work out at all. Not right now, maybe later – I mean come on, a girl can dream.

I am still left here months later wondering how this happened. I think about how many times I convinced myself I did not have any feelings for him when I think I pretty obviously did. I never felt like I was leading him on because he knew where I stood but he was so convinced something was there and apparently it always was. How could I have missed something that was so obvious and right in front of my face the whole time?

How can we have it so wrong? And really, timing, can you help me out next time? Damn.

So moving forward in 2018 – I am striving to not have a backup plan and instead find ways to compliment myself. When I wake up and have a huge zit on my face that you can probably see from 10 miles away, I’m gonna tell myself I’m freaking beautiful and no one will notice the zit. (I know y’all can see it but just tell me you can’t, OKAY?!) When I’m feeling down about my career or about finding a house or about anything – I’m gonna tell myself I’m kicking ass and life is good (millennials aren’t lazy!!!). And then when the right guy comes along who is great and also happens to say all these things to me too – maybe the timing will be right too (PROBABLY NOT)?!?! We’ll see!

With love from my city to yours,
xoSteph

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8 thoughts on “falling for your back-up plan

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