Does anyone know? Seriously??
I am genuinely hoping that my Tinder/Bumble days are numbered and that my soulmate is also passing time by swiping left and right in his bed right now. Ideally, he will be much braver than me when it comes to the defining the relationship discussion and I won’t have to be the one to bring it up. Unfortunately, that doesn’t appear to be my present-day situation and it seems as if I’ll be having one of these discussions in the very near future.
One of the worst phrases I have too frequently encountered throughout my Tinder/Bumble days is “let’s just see where things go.” It sounds promising but it is very vague. I try to be positive and think at least he didn’t say he was only looking for sex but do we know from this suggestion if he’s really looking for anything more than that either?
So you hang out with “let’s just see where things go” guy for a month or so. He takes you out on a few dates, he wants you to sleepover sans sex, he even wants to kiss you in public. #relationship – AMIRITE?!
But you said you were “looking for a relationship but didn’t want to rush.” So now what? When and how do you facilitate the “what are we?” discussion without coming on too strong and ruining a good thing. Can we tell people we are catching feelings for them nowadays without them thinking we have already planned the wedding? Is there a way to say “hey we don’t have to be boyfriend and girlfriend right now but maybe we should both delete Tinder/Bumble/other dating app and just focus on getting to know each other”?? (If there is, can someone please tell me how to suggest this?!?!?!)
The truth is, I don’t have the perfect answer. I’d like to think when you’re ready to have the conversation, you’ll feel comfortable with your decision to have it – but we all know this probably isn’t the case. This is one of those discussions that can really ruin everything if the other person isn’t ready for the conversation. I normally would say fuck him he doesn’t deserve you if he won’t date you – but maybe he was just looking to take things slow too. Imagine that?
So if there isn’t really a perfect time for the discussion, is there at least a perfect way?
Know where you stand.
Do not go into this discussion unsure about what you are looking for. Have you developed feelings for him or is it just nice to have someone around? Are you strictly looking for a relationship or are you willing to have something more casual? This is something that you MUST figure out BEFORE you bring up the topic. Being wishy-washy on where you stand will only make things more confusing. Tell him what you are looking for and then figure out where he stands.
Stand your ground.
Pleaseeeeeee do not have this discussion if you are unwilling to truly commit to what you want. If you are looking for a relationship but he is not, please don’t let him persuade you into being okay with something casual. Vice versa, if you are looking for something casual and he is not, please do not lead him on by pretending you are looking for a relationship.
Be okay with walking away.
Prior to having this talk consider –
Are you ready to tell him that it was nice spending time with him but you need to go your separate ways? It’s always nice to have someone around. It’s very difficult to part ways with someone you’ve invested any amount of time in. Accepting what he is willing to give because you think it’s better than nothing at all is doing yourself an injustice. It’s important to be willing to part ways with someone if you aren’t both looking for the same outcome.
Communication is the key in these types of discussions and situations. This is not a permanent decision you must commit to for the rest of your life. Maybe you’re fine with casual now but 3 months down the road you start to catch feelings for him – COMMUNICATE. Let him know where you stand so no one ends up getting hurt.
No amount of advice will ever make the “what are we?” discussion any easier to have. There’s not a right time or a right way but it is a necessary conversation to have to put everyone at ease.
If anyone has any other suggestions of how to handle defining the relationship, I’d love to hear them!
From my city to yours,